His problem solving skills has indeed saved his sanity.

I wonder if the more you slap the more satisfied you’ll be? Only one way to find out.

That’s one kick ass ad!

And here’s how they sell Xbox 360’s in India.

WTF?!

THE Queen’s speech in the British parliament overnight may have been routine but at least nobody got bored to death - that would have been against the law

Dying in parliament is an offence and is also by far the most absurd law in Britain, according to a survey of nearly 4000 people by a television channel showing a legal drama series.

…

Nearly half of those surveyed admitted to breaking the ban on eating mince pies on Christmas Day, which dates back to the 17th century and was originally designed to outlaw gluttony during the rule of the Puritan Oliver Crowmell.

…

Respondents were given a shortlist and asked to vote.

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 per cent)
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (7 per cent)
3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6 per cent)
4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (5 per cent)
5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (4 per cent)
6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet (4per cent)
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3.5 per cent)
8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3 per cent)
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (3 percent)
10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2 per cent).

Read more at WWWeird »

It’s just so obvious. Why haven’t they always printed the tags like this?

Found at BoredStop

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Found at BassBoat Central »

That’s it. I knew it all along. So the pains in my liver have just been my liver being an ass. Evil liver.

I’m off to punish it. Very harsh punishment for being so evil.

This guy is like a cross between the professor on Back to the Future and Kramer. But very high on heavily mind altering substances.

Update: This would be a perfect halloween costume, sure to scare off any trick or treaters. May need a disclaimer on the door in case parents call up later complaining of distressed children.

We did have the full video version of this, which followed on from this photo. But the lawyers though it wasn’t ‘acceptable for a general audience’.

We are allowed to distribute a limited number of the video. Contact us to find out more. [Insert Dr Hibbert laugh here]

Catchy tune. Good lyrics. And best of all, the topic it’s about.

Found at vidstumbler.com

(In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his Buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this…)

"Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps imporving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. In this way, regular consumtion of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

This indeed is the best explanation of why you get smarter after drinking beer.

Original found at thecore.com

Hopefully most of the CruftBucket viewers chose the left side.

If not, here are a few jokes that should straighten you out.

Dude. That’s some messed up shit! Very funny though.

Found at CollegeHumor

Nice going Harvey. Now look what you’ve set as the standard.

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there’s just no pleasing some women…
Read more at You Can’t Coach That »

Hmm. I wonder what word these letters could make.

Oh look at that, staring me in the face the whole time.

Definitely gotta try some of these!

Would be great to bust out some bottle opening skills at a party.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Found here »

This guy definitely had something stronger than coffee that day.

Found at CollegeHumor »

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma’am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma’am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
Found at emtlife.com »

Is there no better place for a market?

Found at break.com

"St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
Read more at testriffic.com »

Hahaha. They’d be cool grandparents.

What great parents!