CruftBucket

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Found at BassBoat Central »

(In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his Buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this…)

"Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps imporving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. In this way, regular consumtion of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

This indeed is the best explanation of why you get smarter after drinking beer.

Original found at thecore.com

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Lloyd, I live in Chicago , I’m 27 years old, fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that - I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder - or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Lloyd

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.
Found at Ofuzi »

A GERMAN man called on his bank for an unusual service when he was too tired and drunk to go home - he bedded down there for the night with his horse.

The man, identified as Wolfgang H. by German media, went to sleep next to cash machines in the local branch of the Mittelbrandenburgische Sparkasse in Wiesenburg southwest of Berlin after unsaddling his horse Sammy and closing the door.

A spokeswoman for the bank said that aside from an undesirable deposit made by his horse inside the building, the 40-year-old account holder had not breached any house rules.
Read more at WWWeird »

A MAN proposed to an American he befriended online within four minutes of meeting her face to face.

Carl Dockings, 36, from South Wales, popped the question to Danielle at O’Hare Airport in Chicago almost as soon as he met her after 10 months of chatting and playing cards with her over the internet.
Read more at WWWeird »

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.
She said, "I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car"
Found at IRCQuotes »

A 100 year old British man told on Wednesday how he fought off a gang of teenage muggers using "kung fu".

After a night at the pub, Buster Martin began to head home. On his way home Buster Martin showed that, even at 100, he still knew how to handle himself when he was confronted by the teenagers after a night at the pub.
Read more at daily cognition »

29 year old Dave Nunley eats about 275 grams of grated cheddar cheese a day.

He has been eating this way since he was a toddler.
Read more at diet blog »

I wanted Winky for my car, to keep me safe with his soft fluffiness and his acrylon-like fur. But I was young and foolish, worried about image. What would my friends think? Could I blast Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables on the cassette and still sport Winky in the back window, all the while keeping some semblance of coolness? Sadly, a victim of teenage peer pressure, I couldn’t bring myself to buy Winky. A few years later, JC Whitney stopped carrying him. Winky was no more.
Now, 25 years later, I realize that all is not lost. Yeah, I can’t buy Winky (not a real one, anyway), but I can make my own!
Read more at jalopnik »

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?” The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Read more at the other stuff »

What you’re about to read is the 100% truth. It happened in April of 2006, but the reason I haven’t spoken about it until now is because I have been on non-reporting probation for half a year, and I wanted that to expire before I told the story to the public. I want to make very clear, though, that under no circumstances should you attempt what you’re about to read. It could potentially get you in some major trouble. I just got lucky. That being said, here’s how I went to jail for the sake of comedy.
Read more at pointlesswasteoftime.com »

SUE Rogers will never be without her dead dogs and cat after having a diamond ring made from their ashes.

Rogers, from Devon in southwest England, paid 3,200 pounds ($8,000) for the ring made from carbon extracted from the ashes of Lucky, an old English sheepdog, a golden retriever cross called Sam and a tom cat, Patch.
Read more at WWWeird »