CruftBucket

With the recent news of Paris Hilton’s jail sentence there have been many fans signing petitions in aid of her plea for pardon.

Well here at CruftBucket we’re law abiding citizens, at least when it comes to spoiled celebrities breaking the law.

So get on over to iPetitions and sign the petition to put her in jail for the crime she committed.

For a more detailed post, with links to new articles check out the post on Mick’s World.

A thirty-seven year old man has been taken into police custody after going on a rampage with a stapler in the busy staff offices of Victoria University in Wellington. It is alleged that the suspect assaulted twenty fellow staff and faculty workers in an attack following a dispute over office feng shui.

“He just came at us,” said Evelyn Jacobs, who works on the same floor as the suspect. “We all heard clicking and then suddenly I realized my boss had been stapled. Some of us jumped under our desks and a secretary of our offices tried to make it out into the hallway to get help. I heard clicking and covered my ears. I don’t know how I made it into the stair well. Everyone was screaming.”

Police and emergency services rushed to the scene and the area was cordoned off. For five hours police negotiators tried to talk the man down. The siege ended around 8PM EST, when the suspect unloaded half a box of 3/8 inch Swingline heavy-duty staples into his own head.
Article found at brainsnap »

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when i think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at lease five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn’t even have a penis."
Original found at Avolites Online »

A New Zealand mother says she was shocked and disgusted that a condom had been found in her seven-year-old daughter’s McDonald’s meal.
Louise Whitaker from Wellington said her daughter Maia was with her sister April and her grandparents at a store when the condom was found on Tuesday night. She said her mother discovered the opened condom after her daughter ordered a Happy Meal.

"I was just disgusted after I heard about it," Ms Whitaker said.

"I was shocked. A seven-year-old … I don’t think she actually saw it, so she doesn’t understand the whole thing. I am just lucky my mother discovered it."

She said the condom was returned before her mother checked whether or not it had been used. McDonald’s replaced the meal.
Read more at WWWeird »

A GERMAN man called on his bank for an unusual service when he was too tired and drunk to go home - he bedded down there for the night with his horse.

The man, identified as Wolfgang H. by German media, went to sleep next to cash machines in the local branch of the Mittelbrandenburgische Sparkasse in Wiesenburg southwest of Berlin after unsaddling his horse Sammy and closing the door.

A spokeswoman for the bank said that aside from an undesirable deposit made by his horse inside the building, the 40-year-old account holder had not breached any house rules.
Read more at WWWeird »

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

If Women Drink …

Beer

Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Water

Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… and you’re in.

Cape Velvet

Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait…….

IF MEN DRINK… (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider

He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer

He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

Castle Lager Beer

He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer

He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness

The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water

He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

Wine

He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy

Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port

Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky

He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels

Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila

Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc

He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
Found at stuffed.co.nz »

A MAN proposed to an American he befriended online within four minutes of meeting her face to face.

Carl Dockings, 36, from South Wales, popped the question to Danielle at O’Hare Airport in Chicago almost as soon as he met her after 10 months of chatting and playing cards with her over the internet.
Read more at WWWeird »

Mountain View-based search giant Google Inc today announced they’ve acquired the internet for the astounding sum of $2,455.5 billion in cash. The deal had been rumored in various search blogs since the beginning of the year and was now confirmed by the company’s CEO. “This is in line with our vision to make information more accessible to end users,” says Eric Schmidt. “With the acquisition, we can increase the speed of indexing as everything will already be on our servers by the time it’s published.”
Read more at Google Blogoscoped »

Surgeon Naum Ciomu was operating on patient Nelu Radonescu, 36, to correct a testicular malformation when he suddenly lost his temper.

Grabbing a scalpel, he sliced off the penis in front of shocked nursing staff, and then placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital.
Read more at lifestyle.aol.co.uk »

ROLLING Stones guitarist Keith Richards has acknowledged consuming a raft of substances in his time. And in comments published today, he said he snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.

"The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.

"He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared. … It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive."
Read more at WWWeird »

It seems that Jessica Simpson has really let the cat out of the bag and had a few complaints about her noisy bed manner. She already has plenty of fans of her beauty, she’s going to acquire a large following knowing that she’s a minx in the sack.

Ever heard of More magazine? Yeah, me neither. But they say Jessica Simpson and John Mayer spent last week in Rome and while they were staying at the extra fancy Hotel de Russie, they shocked other hotel guests with their loud sex sessions.

A 22-year-old woman sought medical care for a lesion in the plantar region of her left foot, a well-formed nipple surrounded by areola and hair. Microscopic examination of the dermis showed hair follicles, eccrine glands, and sebaceous glands. Fat tissue was noted at the base of the lesion. Clinical and histopathologic findings were consistent with the diagnosis of supernumerary breast tissue, also known as pseudomamma. To our knowledge, this is the first report of supernumerary breast tissue on the foot.
Read more at The Daily Weird »

Invented by, who else, the Japanese: the Gotta Go Briefcase comes with everything the busy executive needs to be able to take a number two so he can stay number one. Designed by Japanese firm, Niban Too Corp., came up with this after extensive market research to maximize time efficiency of business executives…It’s rated to hold 175 pounds…Dear God there’s something so VERY wrong about this…
Read more at technofart.com »