CruftBucket

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Read more at isityourneed.com »

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than “going blind!”)

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit
lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time

( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is ill egal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises.”

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?!)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of …. ?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

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An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don’t have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Read more at The WVb »

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t
taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, ‘Son… what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??’

His son replies, ‘Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m
married!!’

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Read more at adultjokeratingmachine.com »

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused, so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy".

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son To take this to your silly Daddy."

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, He asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son To "take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The noteread:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
Read more at picklequeen.com »

Punk ass wife!